We’ve all been there. You’re at a bar knee deep in cranberry vodkas on a date with a hazy looking man with a beard and a cider, and it’s going great! He asked about your family, you managed not to cry, he told you he loves The Simpsons and you said “D’oh!” Everything’s perfect… until he says, “I’m really into nature.” Danger alert! He loves nature and everyone knows that you’re an indoor bitch. How do you show him that you’re cute like a tiny woman but also rough like a hefty pinecone? Have no fear, here are five names of trees you can scream at his face to prove you love nature more than a grizzly bear.
“OAK! I LOVE OAK!”
Oak trees are strong and nature chicks love strong trees. Screaming “oak” at your nature boy’s face will show him that you know what a tree is and that you ate onion rings earlier. Also, oak trees are perfect for leaning against for an Instagram photo!
Achoo! Thousands of people may be allergic to cedar trees but not you, since you came name some trees and therefore belong on Woman vs. Wild. You love cedar trees so much a little puke came out when you shouted it into his face. Plus they’re great for leaning against for an Instagram photo!
“CHERRY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”
Literally the cutest name a tree could have is Cherry, so make sure you add “son of a bitch” to your drunken squeals so he knows you still mean business—nature business. Cherry trees are romantic and you can tie their branches in a knot inside your mouth. Ooh, maybe you should ask the bartender for one and show him! Also, cherry trees are amazing for leaning against for an Instagram photo.
You’re a nature chick but you’re also a mess inside. Shouting “weeping willow” into his face will remind him that you may be able to chop a piece of wood like the Brawny man but you’re also sensitive like a drawing student. Plus willows are bomb as hell for leaning against for an Instagram photo.
Burp the word PINE
Every basic girl in the world loves a pine tree but you nasty nature girl just burp-screamed “Pine” into his face. If that doesn’t get his tree trunk moving, nothing will! Oh my god, you should tell him about the time you saw a bunch of pinecones. You are such a nature girl! Oh—they’re also literally fucking fantastic for leaning against for an Instagram photo.
Sure, you don’t know how to catch a fish or sleep outside but you do know how to shout things in people’s faces which makes you just as tough. So what if you’re falling off the bar stool and he’s checking his phone to see what the weather upstate will be like this weekend? You’re nailing this date and by the end of the night this nature boy will be nailing you!