How to Blow Him Until You Die


We know that intimacy is key in a long-term relationship, and what better way to keep the spark alive than to surprise your partner with a beej that doesn’t end until you die? Sure, it may seem like a stretch, but January is the time to set big goals. You’ll love the feeling of connection that comes from constantly having your mouth on his cum gun, and he’ll love the sexy combo of you blowing him and you never not blowing him. Need some motivation to keep bobbin’ your noggin up and down until you exit this world? Here are six tips that’ll help you keep your “head” up. Suck suck, baby!


Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay!

If you’re going to spend every moment of your life with a peen down your throat, you’re going to want to savor the time before you start. So enjoy some foreplay before you bring your mouth down south! Because of the length of the sex act (your lifespan), feel free to take your time kissing, licking, and teasing him for a year or so before you take that thing down the gullet. ‘Cause once you do, you’ll be tastin’ it until your organs start to fail. Sexy!


Switch it up.

Once you get started on your “forever blowjob,” it can be easy to fall into a rut. He’s tired from a long day at work, you’re tired from crouching under his desk for eight hours. When you feel like the up-and-down motion of the BJ is all you know anymore, get creative! Try flicking your tongue up and down the shaft, using your hands to engage the base, or splurging on a moving chin rest so you can sleep without giving him the dreaded blue balls. You’re not giving up until he cums and you die!



Good sex is all about communication, and since you can’t talk ever again, the onus is on him to make sure you know how to make him feel as good as possible. Before you embark on your sole lifelong occupation, encourage him to tell you what you’re doing wrong all the time. Not only will this keep him sexually satisfied, it will also give you a sense of purpose and something to work toward—and that’s something every woman needs.


Plan a sexy surprise.

Important anniversary coming up? Renew your vow to blow him ‘til death do you die with a night where all the focus is on him. Keeping your lips tight around his throbbing cock, as they’ve been for a quarter century, light candles to set the mood for a night of selfless lovemaking. He’s sure to fall in love with your mouth on his dick all over again!



Get into it.

No, you can’t just go through the motions. Men can tell when you’re phoning it in, or when you’re passionate about the blowjob. Plus, sucking a guy off until you die should be fun! If you’re feeling uninspired, try moaning what you would say to your friends and family if you ever got the chance to speak to them again. He’ll love those vibrations—especially because he’ll have no idea that you’re saying “I miss you guys.”



Not all women enjoy swallowing, but you must. Otherwise, how will you get enough calories to stay alive? This is fun!


You’ve only got one life to live, so make the most of it by ensuring that every moment is one of pleasure—for your man. Because hey, no one lies on her deathbed wishing they had spent more time at the office!