Is there anything better than a first-date hike? After all, a hike is ideal for showing potential partners that you’re free-spirited, in touch with nature, and so out of shape that you’ll need to lie down halfway through a blowjob. Keep reading to learn more about the best hikes for showcasing your sexy, flimsy respiratory system!
Runyon Canyon, California
LA’s Runyon Canyon has it all: beautiful trails, scenic overlooks, and steep grades that will make you pant so hard you’ll need to sit down before you throw up. Spend two hours in Runyon with any man and he’ll leave thinking, “Where has this woman been all my life?” and also “Will my penis kill her if it enters her weak and trembling mouth?”
Superior Hiking Trail, Minnesota
Midwesterners rejoice! This 300-mile-long trail boasts stunning views of Lake Superior, making it the perfect trail for an unforgettable first-date hike. It also goes uphill so hard that you’ll be forced to lie on the ground and wheeze for fifteen excruciating minutes while clutching your Life Alert, prompting him to wonder if this is what your head game will also be like. Spoiler alert: it is!
Tillamook Head Trail, Oregon
The word ‘head’ is right in the name of the trail, which is convenient because you’re the kind of girl who needs orange slices and a cool-down nap to make it through a successful suck session, and any man who watches you trudge your way through this hike is gonna know it.
Appalachian Trail, Maine to Georgia
You know what? You shouldn’t hike the Appalachian Trail. It’s way too long, and this random guy doesn’t need to know that you puke-weep whenever you’re forced to breathe through your nose for more than 20 seconds. He’ll learn that soon enough. They all do.
Mount Rainier, Washington
Trying to hike this mountain with your lungs is going to be like trying to bail seawater out of a leaky boat with your hands: messy and doomed! But once you reach the summit, you’ll be rewarded with Rainier’s stunning views, and your date will be rewarded with the knowledge that you’ll spend each and every blowjob making old-door noises with your mouth and lungs. Can you say perfect first-date vibes? Don’t forget the champagne!
So there you have it: Five first-date hiking trails that will show a man that you’re the kind of girl who gets real winded during blowjobs. Bring your water bottle and a can-do attitude and you’ll soon be rewarded with the three words every woman longs to hear: “Are you okay?”
