Cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon—we all know the story. Daddy should have paid attention when you were younger, but now you’re grown and have your own life. What better way to show that, despite his absentee parenting, you’ve grown into a beautiful woman who makes terrible choices in men because of him? Here’s a roster of boyfriend archetypes you need to date to make your father realize that he should have cared.
1. The Tough Guy
He has tattoos, muscles, and an ex-wife who once set your car on fire. His testicles have shrunk from steroid use, but he still has the balls to tell you to “shut your bitch mouth.” Your father will certainly sit up and pay attention when he cusses him out then hits on your mom at Thanksgiving dinner.
2.The Tortured Artist
He’s the antithesis of the first guy, but that doesn’t mean that he offers you any more emotional support than Mr. Tough. You’ll sadly stir your coffee at the diner as he scribbles poetry into his Moleskine notebook and tells you to leave him the fuck alone. When you get up to leave (you pay, obvs) and jet off on the back of his rusting Vespa, you’ll know that somewhere, Daddy is thinking he should have come to more of your volleyball games.
3. That Butch Chick from your Gym
Okay, so she’s not really a “boyfriend,” but going lez is a surefire way to get Daddy’s attention. Yeah, deep down you’ve always been attracted to women (in spite of that “special” camp your parents sent you to), plus she’s a great listener and goes down like a champ. It can’t last, though: When the time comes, you gotta go full-traditional with an extravagant heteronormative wedding, and make sure your dad’s footing the entire bill.
4. His Best friend, Gary
He has it all—a sweet boat, knowledge of fine wines, and a heart condition that’s bound to end him in a few short years. Plus, your dad can’t help but notice when you’re on Gary’s Tommy Bahama-clad arm at all of the club’s silent auctions and golf invitationals. Sure, he cries himself to sleep in your arms every night about his dead wife Diane, but that’s a small price to pay for watching that vein in your father’s head throb when you hint at the exhausting love-making you and your honey did in Palm Beach last weekend.
5. Your Cult Leader
John the Chosen has that kind of magnetic personality (and secure compound) that makes it hard to leave. In fact, he feels that you may be the special chosen female to gestate the offspring of all men. After your insemination of indeterminate origin you’ll be Queen Mother of the Holy Hoard, which shall strike down all the non-believers and impure who failed to heed John’s warning. To think this all could have been avoided had your Dad gotten you that pony!
If these choices don’t get Daddy to realize he should have noticed you, there’s always the race game—just pick some color you’re not! Don’t make him too mad, though—somebody’s got to pay that Verizon bill at the end of the month.