Bella and Cinderella need their beauty rest–and since they were abandoned in a storm drain as puppies, they need to sleep in your boyfriend Derek’s bed every night to quell their trauma. Think you can just go and have sex while his shelter dogs are wheezing and panting just inches from your naked bodies? No way: these rescue pugs associate loud noises and sudden movements with violence and heartache. Here are four moves that you can pull off even though you’re dating a guy with a pair of traumatized rescue pugs.
Giddy up, partner, as quietly as possible. Take control of some aspect of your relationship with Derek by getting on top and going for a ride. This position is great for achieving orgasm, though you probably shouldn’t unless you can climax silently. Reverse cowgirl also allows you to face away from Bella and Cinderella, who have the repulsive ability to lick the entirety of their button noses while making eye contact with your bouncing breasts.
Plain Old Missionary
This classic sex position allows you to stare deep into Derek’s eyes instead of into the lunatic googly eyes of the dogs. Have Derek slide into you slowly but rhythmically so that his pounding mimics the sound of a mother pug’s heartbeat, thus silencing the puppies’ distraught yapping. Their mother drowned trying to save the runt of the litter during a torrential downpour, which is something you won’t be able to stop thinking about while he is inside you. This position is also an ideal time to seductively whisper to Derek that you heard that overnight crating might at first seem like a cruel option, but that it often helps dogs build a sense of security and independence over time, even if he won’t believe you.
Okay, missionary really isn’t working. You know you could get better results by propping your hips up with a pillow, but the dogs are touching that pillow with their disgusting faces and they have both finally achieved a restless slumber tinged with severe sleep apnea and nightmares of their past. Better just try some hand and mouth stuff and hope that works.
Maybe In The Bathroom?
Yes, brilliant! The bathroom! Why didn’t you think of that idea months ago? Maybe you could hold onto the towel rack with both hands to sturdy yourself for some from-behind action. Or you could jump in the shower for a wet and wild ride. Just keep in mind that Derek recently saved a baby squirrel that fell out of the big oak tree at the park–and that that squirrel is recuperating in a shoebox next to the sink. The squirrel will probably survive as long as it is able to rest quietly, but it will die if it is at all agitated. Maybe you should have gone to your place?
With these four amazing sex positions, you will surely be rethinking your inclusion of “must love animals” on your list of mandatory boyfriend traits. Good luck!