We’ve all been there: stuck in a dead-end job, frustrated by office politics, afraid that coworkers will laugh at your horrible cartwheel. It can be difficult to manage corporate stress without being labeled “emotional” or “uncoordinated.” For anyone nervous about returning to the office, we’ve compiled a list of four private places to cry at work and four even privater places to practice your cartwheel.
Private: Bathroom stall
An oldie but a goodie, the bathroom stall is the turkey sandwich of workplace hideouts. The whirring of the hand dryer and intermittent poop sounds provide the perfect soundscape to mask what will surely be a noisy, cathartic sob-fest about spreadsheets.
Privater: Locker room
Need a bit more privacy? The locker room by your office’s weird little gym is just the place. Move quickly to avoid seeing Don from the exec team in a tank top, and head straight for the showers. Simply place a “cleaning in progress” sign outside the door, and enjoy minutes of uninterrupted ‘wheeling. To alleviate suspicion, do a little mopping and restock the toilet paper before you leave.
Private: Basement conference room
No windows, no cell service, occasional unexplained cold spots—this room has it all, in that it has nothing and everybody hates it. Lit by a single dangling bulb, the basement conference room is a perfect refuge for the ugly crier. Say sayonara to prying eyes as you have an absolute meltdown that your PowerPoint didn’t save right.
Privater: Alley behind the cafeteria
The alley behind the cafeteria is a prime location for those who need to get a few somersaults in before lunch. Pros: Secluded, spacious. Cons: Rat mafia.
Private: The Printing Room
Since going paperless, your company’s printer room is a veritable ghost town. Obscured by obsolescence, you can blubber your way through a pretend argument with your deskmate Glen in total anonymity.
Privater: Bicycle Storage Room
No one goes in here besides the beginning and end of the day, so you should have plenty of privacy to work on your ‘wheel – aiming for perfect verticality and balance. However, if you dismount wrong you may be knocking down some bikes.
Private: Roof
If you need a good, soul-cleansing cry, look no further than your building’s rooftop. Cry about Kelly not inviting you to lunch at Panera, and about how your cartwheel isn’t getting that much better despite all the stolen time you’ve used to perfect it.
Privatest: Boarded up room Marked “DANGER”
Remove the rotted boards and barricade yourself in the abandoned using crates you found labeled “Medical supplies” (curious!). Here you can practice your cartwheel in guaranteed solitude. Good for the core, good for the soul, maybe not good for the lungs because there’s definitely asbestos in here.
Now more than ever, it’s important to create safe spaces to unwind in the workplace. Ask yourself: How are you feeling? Do you need to cry? Should you rent “Stick It” on DVD? Like…would that help? By making your workspace work for you, you can get back to the stuff that really matters: infiltrating the rat mafia.
