With the spooky season in full swing, it’s time to bust out the scary classics filled with all your favorite horror fodder: jump scares, gory deaths, bloody ghosts, and the scariest thing of all – a white guy talking for way longer than he needs to be talking. So, for you fright-filled junkies, here are four horror movies that are really just white guys talking a lot, because nothing says a terrifyingly excruciating time like two hours of white men going on and on!
Saw (2004)
This brutal franchise is filled with physical and psychological traps out of everyone’s worst nightmare. Some say iconic traps such as the Needle Pit or Reverse Bear Trap are horrifying, but the worst trap of all can be found in the original movie – being stuck in a room with two white guys who can do nothing else but talk. Two hours of listening to them moan about their lives and you’ll be wishing you were in the Needle Pit instead!
The Invisible Man (1933)
Coming out only a few years after sound was added to movies, the original Invisible Man may not seem that scary with its lackluster effects and old-timey humor, but don’t be fooled – what he lacks in being seen, he makes up for in being heard. A lot. Too much, actually.
The Thing (1982)
This John Carpenter classic will give you goosebumps on the premise alone. A group of men stuck in an Antarctic research facility? A whole movie just watching men argue with each other? Chilling! Add in the fact that there’s a shapeshifting monster pretending to be one of the scientists, which just means there’s another man trying to be the loudest in the room? Terrifying!
American Psycho (2000)
Any horror movie with a white guy as the protagonist guarantees that he’ll talk way too much. But not only does American Psycho follow Patrick Bateman’s life as an investment banker by day, serial killer by night, this movie also features one of the scariest talking tropes of all time: an egregious amount of narrated monologues. Even when he’s not talking, he’s talking! Stomach-churning!
So if you’re feeling particularly masochistic with your horror movies this year, look no further than this list to get your spooky fill of white men monologuing, dialoguing, and probably talking over any female character. By the time you finish these spine-tingling movies, you’ll be saying, “Thank God some slasher films have a final girl!”
