It’s hard to capture the energy the holidays had when you were a kid. The bright lights, the seasonal food, the presents – nothing can quite compare to the glow of those first few years, and as you get older, it can be tough to bring that merriment back. Sure, you still decorate the tree or light the menorah, but it isn’t the same. Luckily, there are a select few new traditions that make the holidays equally special for grown-ups. Here are four traditions for adult siblings that are all drugs.
“The Walk”
“The walk” that you take with your fellow 20- and 30-something family members at Thanksgiving is a unique pleasure of adulthood that basically boils down to “weed.” Want to escape your overstretched parents as they prepare a meal for the entire extended family? Try “the walk!” It’ll have you saying, “Wait, I didn’t mean to get this high,” then smelling neon colors for the next four hours as you try to convince your aunt that 1) you’re still mentally all there, and 2) social media marketing is a real profession.
“The Drive”
“The Drive” is “The Walk” with a car. Couldn’t walk far enough? Try “the drive!” Sure, the person driving is legally required to remain sober, but everyone else can continue with the drugs. It’s a tradition much like Mary and Joseph searching the desert of Bethlehem for shelter, but this time, you’re basically going as far as you can to get super fucked up.
Pilgrimage to Costco for 17 bottles of wine
Sure, alcohol isn’t a hard drug, but it’ll do! Just as your mom would exile four-year-old you from the living room when she had to wrap presents, you and your adult siblings can exile yourselves from the living room when it all gets to be too much. Nowhere to go? Sounds like you need to head to Costco to get an inordinate amount of wine for everyone! And just because you need to bring a couple of bottles back doesn’t mean you can’t drink two between the four of you in the parking lot.
Ketamine
This one’s pretty straightforward. Retreat into the recesses of your mind with some horse tranquilizer that your cousin Lauren, who goes by Ren now – not for gender reasons, just because it’s cool – brought back from Berlin! As a last resort, you and your cousins could even try this new tradition: “K-hole!”
Heading home for the holidays doesn’t have to be a slog. Gather your adult siblings and enjoy these traditions that are just drugs!
