4 Fun Pokémon GO Tips That Will Do Very Little to Soothe This Broken Nation

Trying to work your way up in Pokémon Go but don’t know where to start? Here are a few beginners’ tips for mastering the game quickly. But be advised, the following list won’t help heal an America plagued by a deeply ingrained culture of violence. If that sounds chill, read on, you future Pokémaster!


Choose the Right Starter Pokémon

Did you know you can snatch up Pikachu as your starter Pokémon instead of run-of-the-mill Bulbasaur, Squirtle, or Charmander? Did you also know that your choice of starter Pokémon will do nothing to piece back together a nation ripped apart by gun violence? Both of these things are true, but only one is fun!


Check in at Pokéstops

Pokéstops are a great way to stock up on Pokéballs, eggs, and other items crucial to your success in the game. When you’re near a Pokéstop, tap the icon and then swipe the image of the landmark. This way, you can haul off a ton of items and avoid having to consider the increasing frequency with which we’re confronted by images of chaos and brutality in the media.


Visit Gyms to Train

Build up the strength of your Pokémon by battling other creatures at gyms. This will help you get ahead in the game—and you might get in shape in the process! Unfortunately, it’s a tip unlikely to improve our country’s severely diminished morale. Have you considered contacting your senator? Gotta catch ’em all!



Power Up Your Pokémon

If you want to advance in Pokémon GO, power up those Pokémon! In order to do this, you’ll need a healthy supply of stardust. You’ll get a leg up on other players and also distract yourself from the painful realities of living in modern America. It feels good to empower your Pokémon when those affected by systemic racism in the US feel so disempowered. Too bad Pokémon are fake!


These tips and tricks will give you an advantage over your opponents in Pokémon GO. It’s a shame they won’t overwrite the nation’s never-ending flow of tragedies. Now, go forth and catch those Pokémon!