Nation Consumed By Pokemon Go No Longer Has Time To Use Guns

This Thursday, Nintendo released its answer to interactive gaming, Pokemon GO, a new augmented reality version of the original Pokemon game. Due to the addictive nature of the new game, Americans no longer have space in their hands to hold guns because they have to focus or this damn Onyx is going to escape the pokeball again.


The game is available 24/7, leaving not a single spare second for Americans of any kind to even pick up a gun, let alone make use of one.


Thanks to Pikachu, Americans can walk the streets safely, as long as they don’t bump into other Americans stopped on the sidewalk, or walk head first into traffic without looking, or fall into a hole trying to catch a zubat even though they already have twelve. Other than that, America is safe.


“I said it in 1999 and I’ll say it again,” says longtime Pokemon fan, Tracy Barsky. “Pokemon is the best thing to ever happen to this country. We made America great again.”


Though it does not solve the problem of America’s addictive tendencies and rage, the game has created an atmosphere of opening ourselves to others, unless they beat us in the gym and then we express our rage in many aggressive taps.


“We were not attempting to disarm America,” says one of the developers of the new game. “We just wanted to create a game that engaged children and adults, that also made us ridiculous amounts of money until we died. We did not intend for them to put down their guns and pick up their phones, in an unintentionally new and dangerous way.”



When asked to comment, GO user Carver McSand said, “NO WHY CAN’T I BEAT THIS GYM I’VE GOT HELLA MORE CP THIS MAKES NO SENSE!”


No one else could be reached for comment because everyone is playing this game.