We’ve all been there. You come home from a stressful day at work and immediately pull on your comfiest sweats, pour yourself a glass of wine, and roll yourself a fat joint. Then, just three minutes after you’re done blazing that sweet, sweet spliff, your mom calls. Don’t panic! Even though your mind is somewhere between “How do cell phones work, though?” and, “Is that Chinese place still open for delivery?” here are ten quick, easy, and totally not-stoned-sounding phrases that’ll get you through the convo.
1. “Hey.”
This is a standard way to greet someone and definitely won’t arouse suspicion from Mom. Unless you say it in a really weird tone or something. Don’t say it in a weird tone! And especially don’t draw it out or she’ll know you’re using a coloring book right now!
2. “Can I call you back tomorrow? I was just about to go to bed?”
It’s totally reasonable that you, a busy working woman, would want to catch up on some Z’s and moms love when their kids get enough sleep. WARNING: this one will totally backfire if she asks you why you’re so tired and if something’s wrong or stressing you out. You are definitely not sober enough to handle that conversation. Just say you had a long day. Don’t tell her about the whole pizza you just ate. Don’t tell her anything!!!
3. “How are you?”
Put the responsibility of talking on her with this nifty little question. When you inevitably start spacing out, just remember to punctuate pauses with “Oh, geez,” or “Mhmm,” depending on Mom’s tone. Don’t even try to comprehend her stories. It’s not going to happen.
4. “Oh, thank god you called! I just spilled pasta sauce on my shirt. Can you remind me how to get it off?”
Mom hates messes, and loves helping you. This will buy you approximately four minutes of in-depth instructions for how to launder something. By the time she’s done, you can wrap up the conversation by saying you have to go take care of it. And by “it”, you may or may not mean a second joint!
5. “I think I’m getting a cold. How do you think I should deal with it?”
The only thing Mom loves more than dispensing cleaning advice is dispensing medical advice. Actually, it’s a shame you’re too high to pay attention to what she’s saying here. It’s really good advice!
6. “What are you and Dad watching on Netflix these days?”
She probably just got to season three of Breaking Bad and wants to tell you everything about Walter and Jesse’s relationship. You’ve watched this show like eight times and can totally handle any conversation about it, blazed out of your brain or not. Right? Right??
7. “I’m thinking about getting an IUD.”
This is a great one for two reasons: Mom loves when you open up to her about your “personal life,” and she also has very strong opinions about birth control. She will either rant or rave about this decision for approximately eight minutes, which is the amount of time you’ll need to think of something else to say, the state you’re in.
8. “How’s Kyle doing?”
Mom will be so focused on telling you all about your little brother Kyle’s accomplishments and/or screw ups, she’ll be none the wiser that you’re high as a motherfucking kite.
9. “I’m thinking about coming home early for Thanksgiving/Christmas/literally any holiday.”
She’ll be overjoyed at the thought of your unexpected homecoming! You can continue to stare at a patch of light on the wall while she buys you a plane ticket and starts planning your itinerary. This will force her to get off the phone, because she really needs to concentrate when she’s looking up flight deals on Kayak.
10. “…”
Nothing. Pretend you’re asleep, or in the shower, or that your phone fell out of your pocket on the way home. Because talking to your Mom when you’re high is really fucking hard, and you probably shouldn’t even attempt it. Just remember not to pick it up or oh god she probably thinks your dead and maybe you are? Oh god oh god oh god—
Whichever phrase you choose (choose the last one!), make sure your mom can’t hear any trace of scratchiness in your voice (don’t pick up the phone!) or wonkiness in your syntax (sit on your phone so you’re not tempted!). Moms and marijuana don’t mix, so keep her blissfully in the dark where she belongs.
