Hey girls who are me – we all know there are certain things that only girls who are me can understand. Let’s take a look at 10 problems that only someone who is me can understand:
1. Sometimes I wonder what people are thinking about me.
Sometimes I’m paralyzed by fear wondering what people might be thinking about me, or the perpetual oozing abscess on my neck that never seems to heal?
2. Sometimes I disappear into the bathroom for days on end.
Even I don’t know exactly where I go, but I always emerge naked in fetal position and covered in a mysterious goo. Does that ever happen to you?
3. I can’t tell the difference between a fart and the sound of a woman’s voice.
But I’m working on it!
4. Some of the BEST weekends I’ve ever had were spent trapped underneath a thick layer of ice.
Come on, girls who are me – you know what I’m talking about!!
5. Dogs and Canadians HATE me.
It’s like they can sense some kind of evil within me?? I guess I’ve underestimated their intuition for far too long.
6. You can’t look me directly in the eye without crying.
Which I think is something special that makes people who are me so uniquely “me.”
7. Some people judge me for not having fingernails.
It’s so exhausting having to explain this to people at parties who aren’t me. It’s a genetic condition, okay?
8. I love natural disasters, especially droughts.
It’s super weird, but they seem to increase my power and really build up my self-esteem.
9. Sure, it’s fun to share a bottle of wine with friends, but you’d rather drink two by yourself and black out while flying a stolen military jet.
I stole a military jet.
10. Being alone is my idea of an adventure.
It’s always great to go out on a Friday night, but sometimes the best adventure is the one I have with myself, experiencing the timeless oneness of the Fourth Dimension.
Someone had to be the one to voice the difficulties people who are me live with everyday, so it may as well be me.