If you’re going to an outdoor music festival like Coachella this spring, we bet you’re looking forward to the best part: dressing like a total asshole around judgmental strangers! Here are the top ten eye rolls, side-eyes, and looks of disgust you can expect to get when you’re rocking those festival fashions!
1. Fringe jackets – “What the hell are those supposed to be, wings?”
Fringe is so in right now. But unless you’re a 14-year-old model, Sloane Peterson from Ferris Bueller, or Cher, you have no business wearing it, you fraud. The look people give you conveys that no one really knows why the fringe is there. You’re not a bird and you’re picking up dirt like a human Swiffer, so just cool it, okay?.
2. “Ethnic” accessories – “Oh my god. No.”
“Oh, geez,” this look says. You just had to be one of those music festivalgoers who culturally appropriates, didn’t you? Haven’t you learned anything from all the outrage over Selena Gomez wearing a bindi on her forehead at last year’s Coachella? It’s 2015, not 1995 when Gwen Stefani did it and no one knew it wasn’t okay because blogs didn’t exist yet. Speaking of which — somebody’s probably blogging about you right now. No, don’t cover up the bindi with a feathered headdress! For God-fucking-sakes!
3. Mesh Dress with No Undies – “Is that even allowed?”
There’s no official limit to how scantily clad you can get at a music festival, but the more see-through you go, the more you can expect to get stares that say, “Rihanna just barely pulled this look off, and she’s Rihanna.” You look like you’re trying too hard, but not so hard that you’re actually willing to go completely naked. Your half-commitment will get the perfect look of confused disbelief from the crowd.
4. Rompers & Overshorts – “Jesus Christ, you’re an adult, why don’t you dress like one.”
Think of it this way: If your mom would refer to it as a “playsuit” and you can find the identical outfit in a Babies ‘R’ Us, maybe don’t wear it. People’s eyes will ask you, “How the hell do you go to the bathroom in that?”
5. Peasant Tops & Flowy Skirts – “Do you think she’s in a cult?”
“Wow, you look, like, so chilled out, man,” is not the way people will be looking at you. This isn’t Woodstock — that was, what, 80 years ago? You’re either dressing that way because you were told to by your Supreme Leader or you’re an undercover cop who’s trying to bust concertgoers for doing Molly. Either way, the looks people will give you are so not chill.
6. Strappy Heels – “That can’t be comfortable.”
Those stiletto gladiators were really working for you — at least until you got out of the car and actually went to an outdoor music festival. People’s faces will read as, “What, you didn’t know this thing was happening in a field of mud?” They’ll be pitying you and your unprepared feet until you finally decide to go barefoot in three hours.
7. Horrible Sunburn – “Looks like somebody forgot to pack sunscreen.”
“Oh hello there, Human Lobster. You thought that the SPF 15 in your BB cream would be enough to cover you out here, didn’t you? Big mistake.” Hey, it could be worse — they could be calling you “Crab Girl,” and everyone at the festival you’ve slept with would be checking their crotch for tiny bugs!
8. A Stupid Hat – “What a stupid hat.”
Fact: Only .03% of the population looks good in hats. Odds are, you’re not one of them. But the good news is, the person judging you for your hat is probably also wearing a hat.
9. Your Own Vomit – “Ewwwww.”
Oops! Looks like eight beers and two vegan hot dogs aren’t a great meal for when you’re jumping around in the sun all day, and now you’ve regurgitated it all down the front of your fancy music festival outfit. Absorb people’s pity looks the way your crop top is absorbing your lunch, and maybe you’ll feel better.
10. Too Much Drugs – “……..”
Ultimately, it doesn’t really matter what you wear to a music festival. Everyone’s going to be too fucked up with their eyeballs rolling around in their heads to give you a look of anything but non-specific judgment.
Have fun out there!
