You’re My Type, So Congratulations, You’ve Passed The First Test Out of Five Thousand

When it comes to being in a relationship with me, I have certain standards, expectations and tests I need you to pass. You just so happen to be my type, so congratulations! You’ve passed the first test out of 5,000. You only need to pass 4,999 more before dating me!


If you’re confused about the rules of my tests. I will explain them. You’re already the type of sensitive guy I prefer, and I also believe you may be able to complete the series of arduous tasks I’ve set that will determine whether you’re worthy of my love. There are 5,000 of these tests, and if you fail one, I won’t be able to assume the risk of dating you. It’s that simple!


I don’t open my heart to just anyone without calculation. And while the tests I’ve created may be both arbitrary and difficult, there’s a very good prize at the end, which is that you get to love me. So good luck! You’ll need it.


If you still don’t understand my test system, you’ve already failed, since test number two was, ‘Are you a good listener?’ But if you’re still following along, you’ve passed. You’re so close now! To test three, that is!


You’re probably feeling nervous you won’t pass the next few tests, and and you should be, since only one person ever has. However, don’t lose sight of the fact that I did like when you cried watching that video of soldiers surprising their wives. Your sensitivity so far has been your greatest strength. Unfortunately, it may also be your weakness when it comes to other tests, such as, ‘Would you pick me over your dog?’ and ‘Slap my ass.’ But hey, you should still try anyway, since you’re here and no one else is!


Whether you realized it or not, you already passed my third test yesterday on our coffee date. You were punctual, which is – you guessed it – test three! Yes, boy! Only 4,997 to go. See? This isn’t that hard. Though you nearly failed my extraordinarily complex process by not tipping the waiter 20% (test four.)



Thankfully you saw the panicked look in my eye and took the hint to tip $3 on our $15 bill. Phew! I’m glad you’re able to read me like that, which is test number five. I hope this is all starting to make more sense now. And if it doesn’t, bye forever!


I truly believe ‘the one’ is out there, and maybe it could be you. Of course, first you would have to pass test six, which is, ‘Go down on me every day until you die.’ Sadly very few men pass this test.


One time I thought I found my soulmate – a beautiful, sensitive man who passed the first 4,997 tests easily. However, he died during the long distance swimming portion of the test. Don’t worry though. You will probably pass that part since you once said you “like the ocean”. Which is beautiful! You’re so sensitive! And this may work! But also we’ll see. It takes a long time to win my approval.