It’s time for your sex horoscope! I don’t want to alarm you, but it’s not looking cute for any of the signs. No, for real, I’d skip this one. Just stop reading here so that everything that comes this week is a happy, if not bad, surprise. Okay, if you insist on checking it out just remember that I warned you, and don’t check the moon, Mars, or rising because it’ll only inform you more of your ill-fortuned fate.
Aquarius
Yeah, I would stop having sex in general, just because it’s not really working out for you. Try picking up knitting or crochet, and consider using your hands in new and exciting ways.
Pisces
Even though you’re a water sign, you are in a bit of a dry spell. Yeah sorry, babe, that’s not ending anytime soon. Work on your ability to maintain a great conversation, because that’s all you’ve got right now.
Aries
Tell me something Aries, do you like being alone? Well, get used to it because it’s looking like you’ll be spending a lot more time in an empty bed. Try using the extra time you’ll have from this lack of sexual intercourse to meditate!
Taurus
Taurus, you are used to your good luck and charm bringing in all of the hotties for you. Well, now it’s wearing thin. People are over your congenial nature — you’re way too nice. It’s scaring the hoes.
Gemini
I don’t even know where to start with you. It’s giving “go fuck yourself” because no one else wants to fuck you.
Cancer
Your parents are getting divorced, and the stress from this major life change will ruin your sex life. Don’t even get me started on what’s happening to the house.
Leo
Oh wait, Leo, you might be fine! There’s a lot of sex in your future. Oops, my bad, I got that wrong. You won’t have sex for the next 20 years. Get a cat or two.
Virgo
You will have a healthy sex life, but you’re going to hear “Karma Chameleon” by Culture Club playing on repeat in your head every time you have sex.
Libra
You know the ex you miss and want to get back with really bad? Well, y’all are gonna get back together, but the sex is not gonna be as good as you remember.
Scorpio
You are going to lose your favorite sex toy, and the loss will be devasting. You have to keep better track of your things, Scorpio. Stop taking sex toys on road trips.
Sagittarius
You will have great sex this weekend, but towards the end you are gonna sneeze all over your partner. Gross. Keep tissues on the nightstand.
Capricorn
Yeah, you shouldn’t be consulting a sex horoscope. Seek therapy, Capricorn.
Look, I warned you these were going to be bad. All 12 signs really should put more energy into career or family because the sex and love department is looking pretty bleak. Don’t come back next week for your sex horoscope because it gets worse.
