Longtime Portland, OR resident Suzanne Anthony woke up one morning determined to have the most productive and awesome day off ever. Instead, Suzanne spent 12 full hours ruminating on exactly how she should even spend her day.
While Suzanne was excited to start her first day off in a whole year, there was a haunting thought in the back of her head: “You have no ability to figure out what you want to do with your life, you indecisive worm.”
“It was terrifying.” Suzanne shared with reporters. “I just kept thinking ‘what if I have no free will and I’m just waiting to be summoned by a job or court.’”
According to her roommates, this seemed to be exactly what Suzanne was waiting for, as she kept checking her Slack for a message calling her into work, and her mailbox for a court summons.
“I just thought I would have more time.” Suzanne told reporters, “I was so eager to start my day, but like, I didn’t want to do my day wrong. I just kind of kept lying there in bed trying to figure out what to do until I eventually fell back asleep.”
Suzanne even called her mom to ask her how she should spend her day off, but was unsatisfied with her response.
“I don’t know,” Suzanne’s mom told her. “You’re in your twenties. I’m sure you can find something fun or interesting to do today.”
When we reached out to Suzanne’s mom for further comment, we received a short letter from her lawyer, “Mrs. Anthony is in great despair over the fact she raised a daughter without a single fun or decisive bone in her body. Mrs. Anthony asks for privacy at this time while she figures out how to move forward.”
Seems like it runs in the family!
At press time, some of the things Suzanne considered doing included dancing in the rain, yodeling, and writing a book. Much to Suzanne’s despair, none of these options were pursued due to the massive fucking hole in her decision-making skills.
Better luck next time!
