27-year-old Brooklyn resident Amanda Johnson starts every day the same way: she wakes up, scrolls on her phone for a bit, then does a 20 to 40 minute workout, depending on how she’s feeling that day. However, when she tried to mix up her usual workout playlist by listening to Björk this time, she sadly broke every single bone in her body.
Oh no! Now she has to heal Vertebræ by Vertebræ!
When asked about the chain of events that led up to her injuries, Amanda immediately acknowledged her regret.
“Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting,” she told reporters while in a full body cast in her hospital room. “When I work out I usually listen to Doechii, Nicki Minaj, and ‘Work Bitch’ by Britney Spears on a loop, however, I also really love Björk and wanted to incorporate her into my routine. That, however, was a horrible mistake. One of the worst decisions I’ve ever made, actually.”
Well, at least she felt alive for a few short seconds!
According to Amanda, after she pressed play on Björk’s song “Pluto,” she immediately fell off her treadmill, hit the wall behind her, then bounced off that wall, finally crashing into her houseplant, and breaking every single one of her bones, including her teeth.
“I love Björk for her experimental artistry,” she added. “But I quickly realized that her wide vocal range, eclectic beat mixes, and extremely original lyricism was better for sitting down and doing absolutely nothing, or else you run the risk of creating a safety hazard.”
“After this experience, I’m well aware that I’m far from indestructible,” Amanda continued. “I now realize that, when working out, I should only listen to the most repetitive, positive, fun music possible, or else I might actually die next time I want something a little more alternative.”
At press time, Amanda seems to not have learned her lesson, as she recently queued the Arca song “Mequetrefe” while doing burpees and was promptly admitted to her nearest hospital again.
Looks like there’s definitely no logic to human behavior!
