In a story that the vast majority of people never thought they would ever live to see, 26-year-old Maria Sutherland has become the first person in the world to smoke the correct amount of weed.
What a trailblazer!
While millions are shocked and impressed at Maria’s pioneering feat, Maria remained humble when asked about her massive new achievement.
“I didn’t realize it was such a big deal,” Maria told reporters, still riding her immaculate high. “Like, sure, all the other times I’ve smoked weed I’ve either smoked too little and felt too normal, only to smoke more and then feel much higher with the drawback of getting paranoid, but right now I feel euphoric, relaxed, and centered. But isn’t this what weed is supposed to feel like anyway?”
One could only imagine!
The two friends Maria was sharing a bong with were in complete disbelief of what Maria was telling them about her perfect, balanced high when it happened.
“At first we thought she was joking,” Maria’s friend, Mimi Huang, told reporters. “I was a bit scared at first because I thought she was hallucinating when she said that she felt ‘totally zen’ and ‘not scared in the slightest bit that something bad out there is coming for us.’ God knows I’ve believed some crazy things when I’ve been stoned. But when I found out that she was serious, I called up every news source I could find. This is literally a miracle!”
So true! Maria is the moment!
“This is unprecedented,” another one of Maria’s friends, Alex Ali, added. “I don’t think the world has ever seen someone do what Maria has just done. It’s unheard of! I mean, when was the last time you smoked the right amount of weed?”
Alex asked this question to the reporters who were gathered at the scene, all of whom were simply unable to give her a straight answer.
“Exactly,” Alex continued. “Maria needs to be in the history books.”
At press time, Maria had unfortunately been unable to reach the same level of weed-induced bliss that she had previously achieved. However, as per Alex’s request, she will be in the newest edition of Holt McDougal’s American History textbook coming out in 2025.
