In a failed effort to feel thankful for life, area woman Jackie Waters orchestrated a Friendsgiving meal Tuesday night that wound up even more unbearable than her usual family affair.
According to Waters, of the 200+ Facebook friends she invited to attend, only five bothered to show up.
“’Two-Aquantainces-My-Neighbors-and-Becky-from-Accounting-sgiving’ would have been a more accurate term for last night’s dinner,” Waters said, massaging her temples while picking at the gluten-free mashed potatoes, which also contributed to her disappointing buffet. “I spent all afternoon making a turkey only to have some vegetarian guy I met at a college event describe bird slaughter techniques until nobody felt like eating.”
Waters added she was the only person attending that didn’t have a plus one.
“Even Becky from accounting has a man,” Waters said, “At least at home I can count on Aunt Beth to be the saddest one in the room, what with her divorce.”
Guests confirmed the Friendsgiving was “unique, to say the least,” noting the two occasions their host broke down at the dinner table as party highlights.
“We weren’t surprised by the first round of tears,” said neighbor Nate Culkin, noting the frequent sobs they hear emanating from Waters apartment late at night. “But when the burnt pie set off the fire alarms and the sprinklers soaked the only remaining food, I thought, ‘Oh shit, we’re her ‘not gonna die alone’ death plan.”
Waters added the Friendsgiving would not be an annual thing, noting this one sad event was enough.
“I’m almost excited to debate gun control with Uncle Pete,” Waters told reporters of her upcoming Thanksgiving in Detroit. “At least then I can hate everyone over Grandma’s pumpkin pie.”
At press time, Waters was seen doing some quick online shopping for parent-friendly attire and packing prescription pills for the long weekend.
“I will always be thankful for Xanax,” she said.
