In a remarkable story out of Memphis, TN, 23-year-old Twitter user Deirdre Morey has now officially expressed more thoughts in her life than all of her ancestors combined.
“It definitely feels like an accomplishment,” Morey told reporters. “It’s just nice to be able to take solace in the fact that although I will not be having children, and my family’s lineage will end with me, I have now posted more thoughts on Twitter than my great-great-great grandmother even had in her lifetime.”
While oral tradition may have been a widely used and essential communication tool for Morey’s ancestors, no number of treasured stories passed down from generation to generation could even get close to the sheer quantity of words Morey churns out on Twitter on a day-to-day basis.
“I’m not just on Twitter,” Morey said. “I am deep in the bowels of Twitter, engaging in largely one-sided, Mountain Dew-fueled discourses about the potential narrative arcs of the characters on Succession,” she said. “My ancestors would be stunned to see the depth and breadth of topics I’ve explored online with people whom I’ve never met, when they barely even spoke to their spouse about anything other than what to make for supper, or the immediate weather.”
Still, Morey admitted to having mixed feelings about her online presence.
“It’s just weird to know that I’ve already said all I could possibly need to say and I still have upwards of 70 years to live out,” she said. “I think by my age, all my ancestors were really doing was nodding stoically at one another.”
Morey just wishes her forebears were afforded the same opportunities as her, she says.
“It just makes me sad that my predecessors didn’t have the opportunity to relentlessly subtweet local politicians on the Internet like I do. I feel like they would’ve really loved that.”
At press time, Morey opened up, getting candid about her feelings regarding this milestone and her ancestors.
“Part of me wishes I was more like those who came before me – more mysterious, capable of luring people in with my dignified austerity. But then I have a fleeting thought about manatees and, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Not tweet about it?”
It seems that, for the time being, Morey will be leaving the task of keeping things close to the chest to those who are already dead and buried in the ground.
