In a story emerging from a coffee shop in Ann Arbor, MI, while 26-year-old Diana Routhier appears to have curly hair, she is bravely not playing with it.
What? How? But it’s so springy!
“I know deep down that playing with my hair is going to fuck it up a ton,” Diana told reporters gathered at the scene. “But fighting the urge is taking all the strength I have. Would a single twist be so bad?”
Hairdressers everywhere say, “Yes.”
“If you have curly hair, you’re going to want to play with it nonstop,” said local hairdresser Francine DeMille. “This is the devil speaking through you, and you must resist. It’ll make the curls frizzy and loose, and at that point, you might as well shave your head. Don’t do it. Choose God.”
Sources in the coffee shop confirm seeing Diana physically restrain herself via sitting on her hands, but after about 13 seconds, she appeared to forget her reason for doing that. She began absentmindedly twisting her hair, realized what she was doing, and sat on her hands once more.
“Not playing with my hair is one of the hardest parts of my day,” Diana continued. “Sometimes, to distract myself from playing with my hair, I’ll file paperwork or send work emails. Can you imagine? I’m so desperate not to touch my hair that I accomplish my other necessary tasks.”
Wow, such a brave woman!
As far as other people asking to touch her curls, Diana understands where they’re coming from, because she also wants to touch her curls.
“I’d be touching my hair all day if it didn’t have such devastating aesthetic consequences,” she continued. “I understand the primal urge to twist and bunch and scrunch, because I fight it every single goddamn day.”
Sources say: Touch it! Touch it! Touch it!
“Diana’s been playing with her hair since she was a baby,” said Diana’s mother, Denise Routhier. “I used to send her to school with perfect curls, and by the time the day was over, the frizz was unbelievable. Like, statistically. She’s been so brave about not touching it recently, and I can tell it’s starting to weigh on her.”
Sources confirm seeing Diana talk to herself in the mirror through gritted teeth, saying, “Stay strong, bitch” and, “If you don’t stop, you’re going to need to shower again, and you know how much that sucks.”
As of press time, Diana accepted defeat and decided she was going to play with her hair for a bit, then cover it with a hat. Now that the hat is on, though, it is simply never coming off.
