While 27-year-old Kayla Thompson says she had every intention of working out after work today, her plans went wildly awry when she made one critical error: sitting down on her couch.
“I thought it was only going to be for a second,” Kayla told reporters, while curled in the fetal position on her sectional. “I had just commuted for an hour and my legs were tired. Little did I know that once I sat down, it would be impossible for me to get myself to stand back up, let alone workout.”
Sources say Kayla should have seen this coming, as she has committed this same misstep approximately 14,000 times before.
“I’ve never seen her successfully work out after work,” said Kayla’s roommate Erin after getting back from a six-mile run, which reporters felt was information she could’ve kept to herself, especially given the situation. “I’m even starting to question if we have different definitions of exercise. Watching 12 hours straight of Gossip Girl isn’t exercise, right?”
After consulting both lingual and movement experts, reporters confirmed that it was, in fact, not.
Erin informed reporters that once she got home from work, Kayla sat on her couch for an hour, before ultimately taking off her shoes and getting fully horizontal.
“That’s when I knew it was all over,” she said. “I’m pretty sure you can’t go for a run for at least seven hours after lying down. Like, physiologically speaking.”
Reporters felt like this comment was just an attempt to appear relatable and get back into their good graces after the whole “six-mile run” thing, and saw right through it.
When asked why she was unable to break this habit, Kayla said she wasn’t, but vowed that she would do things differently tomorrow.
“I won’t even glance at my couch after work tomorrow!” Kayla declared, now halfway through a box of Wheat Thins that she somehow manifested from the kitchen without standing up. “I’ll just go straight to my room, put on my workout clothes, then leave. Or, better yet, I could bring my workout clothes to work, change there, and then all I’d have to do is drop my bag at home!”
Reporters thought these sounded like pretty good solutions, but Erin – whom they had now come to deeply despise – wasn’t convinced.
“I’ve heard it all before,” she said in a way that reporters thought came across as very “I think I’m better than you.” “Yet I’ve never seen Kayla make any changes to her behavior in the two years we’ve lived together. All I’m saying is I’ll believe it when I see it.”
As of press time, reporters had found it prudent to inform Kayla of how annoying and uppity her roommate was, and urged her to either find a new one or make good on her promises to workout, just to shut Erin up.
