As anyone who gets easily overstimulated knows, bright lights are a huge no-no, which is why 29-year-old Molly France has embarked upon the ultimate ambient lighting mission: to dim the sun.
“It’s an ambitious endeavor, I know,” Molly told reporters. “But someone has to do it!”
Reports suggest that no one is asking for this except Molly and many people have even suggested that she just consider wearing sunglasses, though she was quick to shoot that idea down.
“Ugh! No! I could never wear those,” she said. “Way too overstimulating. I feel like I can’t really see the world when I’m wearing sunglasses. Dimming the sun is much more tolerable for me, personally.”
Molly admitted that wasn’t sure how the rest of the population felt about her endeavor, but said she wasn’t about to ask.
“It’s kind of just common courtesy, you know?” she said to reporters who coincidentally loved the sun and thus didn’t “know.” “If I’m uncomfortable, then everyone should make concessions to ensure that I am. That’s how I’ve always felt.”
Reporters weren’t sure if Molly thought she sounded altruistic, but felt it important to inform her that the sun was necessary to sustain human life, and dimming it would negatively impact everyone, herself included.
“I’m not saying, oh, ‘Fuck the sun! Let’s get rid of the sun!’” she said in response to reporters’ comments. “I’m just wondering if we could maybe turn it down a tiny bit?”
Molly says she has reached out to organizations like NASA, the Canadian Space Agency, and the Solar Energies Industry Association, but to no avail.
“Reaching out to the SEIA was a mistake, looking back on it,” she said. “They’re pretty pro-sun, it turns out, but I just wanted to check if they’d gotten all they needed and wouldn’t mind if we turned it down for a little. But, as it turns out, they minded. They definitely minded.”
As of press time, Molly had given up trying to dim the sun and had instead turned her focus toward the moon.
“I love the brightness of the moon,” she said. “It’s just kind of one-sided, you know? What if we introduced another moon to even things out? Or even two or three more? You know, just for balance.”
