In a heartwarming story emerging from Los Angeles, CA, 28-year-old Jess LaMonde can’t find her own social security number for the life of her, but before she had a chance to panic, she gratefully remembered that unelected billionaire Elon Musk knows it.
“It’s a scary feeling to forget your social security number, considering it’s such important, sensitive information connected to my status as a citizen and my ability to claim certain benefits like social security and tax refunds,” Jess told reporters gathered at the scene. “I would have really been freaking out if I wasn’t positive Elon Musk already knows it, so if I really need it, I can just call him!”
This week, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent gave Musk and the rest of his unelected Department of Government Efficiency access to the Treasury’s federal payment system, which includes the sensitive information of tens of millions of Americans.
While congresspeople were outraged by this dangerous breach of protocol that has put much of this information at risk, Jess is just happy that she can finally relieve herself of the responsibility to remember her own sensitive info.
“My social security number always took up so much space in my brain, you know?” she continued. “So many numbers to remember, and I can’t even tell other people about it! Now that I don’t have to remember my own social, because six random dudes that Elon Musk has appointed as lackeys already know it, I have much more space in my brain to dedicate to things like sports statistics.”
Jess released a big sigh of relief as she realized she would never have to call her mom to ask for her social security number when filling out an apartment lease or W-2 for work.
“I can just call X headquarters and ask if Musk has time for one of his constituents,” she continued. “Wait, am I not technically his constituent? Because I never elected him and all? This certainly complicates things.”
