This Wednesday, renowned thong owner Jessica Lupin finally admitted to friends that the skimpy undergarments were not all she’d cracked them up to be. Lupin had spent years assuring others that she “liked the feel” of thongs and actually found them “more comfortable” than their full coverage counterparts. But this week, she hung up that lie to dry.
Lupin now admits that she didn’t actually “barely notice” she was wearing thongs for all those years.
“I don’t know why I felt like I had to pretend I loved everything about thongs,” says Lupin. “I was wearing them every day, with sweatpants and at the gym, all the while pretending I had some kind of immunity to wedgies. But now I’m ready to come clean: thongs are bullshit.”
Friends are not surprised by the admission so much as by its timing. “We all knew she was lying,” says Perri Strong. “But at this point it’s like, ‘Why now?’”
“I guess she’s finally ready to let her cooch breathe like the rest of us,” posited former roommate, Fran Chicory. “I want that for her. I just wish she hadn’t felt the need to gaslight us about thong pinching for six years.”
Lupin is trying to own her mistake and come clean to everyone to whom she’s ever preached the gospel of thongs. She sent a group text to tens of women Wednesday evening stating simply, “I was wrong about thongs.”
The responses were positive. “Thank you,” wrote a former coworker. “I really needed this today.”
