In a story that highlights how sometimes trying your best is worse than not trying at all, 24-year-old Rhea Bakshi has been watering her plants just enough that they are always on the brink of death but not quite at its pearly gates. Instead, they are suspended in the process of dying slowly and painfully.
“I definitely remember to water my pants whenever I can,” Rhea told reporters from her living room, where her three plants are dying in plain sight. “Sure, I forget sometimes, but then I just make sure to give them some extra attention in the days that follow. They usually pop back up!”
This system of periodically forgetting her plants entirely then caring for them intently has led to a rollercoaster of an existence where the plants are never quite alive but also never quite dead, instead perpetually experiencing a sort of plant purgatory.
Sources confirm Rhea has placed every plant in a location that is at once good and bad, creating the perfect storm to keep it on the verge of death. One is in direct sunlight but right in front of Rhea’s air conditioner, one is in a temperate spot but gets no light, and the last one is in a temperate, sunny spot but hasn’t been watered for three months.
While it is unclear whether plants experience pain, if any were able to, it would be these three.
“I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to keep plants alive, given my issues with task management and responsibility,” Rhea continued, proud of herself for some reason. “But I had nothing to worry about! I’m great at keeping them alive!”
Reporters wouldn’t say that Rhea is “great at keeping them alive” so much as “bad at letting them die,” but the difference is subtle.
“I do think it would be kinder of her to just let the plants pass on at this point,” said local florist Orla Conners. “They’re droopy and brown and living a sad existence that looks – honestly – painful.”
Reporters googled “plant assisted suicide,” but came up dry for answers as to whether this is an option.
As of press time, Rhea decided she’s so good at taking care of the plants that she can be trusted with even more responsibility. She announced her intent to adopt a dog next, but hopefully the speed and volume at which reporters screamed “NO!” will make her reconsider.
