Shelly Weinberg emerged unscathed from many stressful situations this week, due to an article on autism she found in an old issue of Parade Magazine. The mother of three has transformed anger into sympathy based on her newfound, liberal diagnosis of autism in everyone she encounters. “It’s not their fault,” repeats the resilient mother of three. “They’re just on the spectrum.”
The revelation began last Tuesday, when Weinberg noticed that her stapler was missing from her desk. When she spotted it on the desk of coworker Barbara Epstein who defended the theft, Weinberg calmed herself by repeating “definitely Asperger’s” in her head.
At a work happy hour later that day, her boss Harvey Adler pointed out that Weinberg had been saying “doggy-dog world” instead of “dog-eat-dog world” in front of the CEO, whom she later overheard calling her a “dumb cunt.”
“They don’t know how their behavior affects others,” Weinberg says. “I’ve always suspected they were off in some way, but now I understand why.”
When all 12 of her friends mysteriously canceled on her birthday plans at a local wine bar that week, she nevertheless assured herself that nobody meant to hurt her feelings. “I can’t take it personally. They’re all a little on the spectrum.”
Arriving home early, she found her husband engaged in sexual intercourse with their next-door neighbor. At first, Weinberg was speechless, but after carefully reading and re-reading the article, she realized that it was just typical, mildly autistic behavior. “It definitely hurts, but I’m not mad. They can’t control it.” Her husband agrees with her assessment, and has decided to see a behavioral psychologist sometime soon.
