Kate Middleton Hits Bottom, Wears T-Shirt

Kate Middleton was hospitalized yesterday afternoon after a reported meltdown in which she was spotted leaving Kensington Palace wearing a cotton t-shirt from the Gap and sporting a messy bun. “She’s clearly lost control of herself,” a source reported. “This is not the kempt duchess we knew.”


Asked why he didn’t immediately call for help or restrain the duchess from exposing her untidy appearance to paparazzi, chief butler Thomas Townes said, “The disguise was very deceiving. We all assumed she was the new cleaning lady.”


Gardener Allan Foster recalls the dreadful experience. “She was chewing gum, which was very strange. I still can’t believe that was Kate.”


According to reports, the duchess got into a car and drove to a Pret a Manger in Greenwich, where she ordered tea, a brie and tomato sandwich and then—perhaps the most troubling detail—a sticky toffee muffin. Pret employee Tara Garrett was in shock. “I knew something was wrong when she said, ‘You know what? Let’s do dessert. Just having one of those days.’ Between that and her wrinkled, un-pressed t-shirt, I knew it was a cry for help.”



The next stop in her downward spiral was a Top Shop Outlet, where she tried on three pairs of jeans that she did not buy because she “felt fat.” At what appeared to be her absolute rock bottom, she grabbed a pack of bangles and paid for them in cash. Witnesses report that she had her hair in an unpinned messy bun throughout the whole incident. “When she said, ‘Thank you’ without smiling broadly, I knew I had to call the police,” said the store manager. “She was suffering.”


The most concerned of all is husband, Prince William, who spoke at a press conference after her hospitalization, “Like the British public, I am distraught. Prior to today, I’ve never seen her wear a t-shirt. We are getting her help. Thankfully, our son is young enough to forget today’s disturbing sequence of events.”