While normally confident about which version of herself to be in different social situations, several new acquaintances have left 27-year-old Ansel Owens conflicted about which personality she should be using.
“When I’m with my group of introverted friends, I use my slightly more extroverted personality,” Ansel explained to reporters gathered at the scene. “When I’m with my club friends, I’m cool to don my mysterious, sunglasses-while-indoors persona. And when I’m with my coworkers, my cruel businesswoman disposition is an obvious choice. But this new group of friends is super eclectic and it’s got me all mixed up!”
Ansel’s most recently acquired acquaintances are all people she met at the house party of a friend of a friend.
“They’re great!” she said. “The only thing is, their personalities are so strong, I feel like I’m losing my sense of self.”
“I don’t even know what my real personality is anymore,” she continued. “Who am I when I’m alone? What personality am I using then? I don’t even know! Am I even human?”
Ansel said that this is why she’s always had a hard time making new friends, adding that it’s hard to know which personality to use right off the bat.
“Shy? Loud? Mean? Nice? Rude? Not rude? The choices are endless and impossible.”
Although reporters suggested that she’d probably be safe to go with “nice” and “not rude,” Ansel had tuned them out.
“There’s always a waiting period in a new friendship where you figure out which personality to use,” Ansel said. “But I’ve hung out with these new acquaintances a few times now, and I still can’t figure it out. They’re all so eclectic and different, it’s hard to know which personality will get them to like me the most.”
When reporters again took it upon themselves to gently inform Ansel that relationships aren’t about getting people to like you, but rather feeling comfortable enough to be your authentic self, that only seemed to agitate her more.
“My authentic self? What the hell are you talking about?” she asked reporters. “That’s literally the whole problem! I don’t have an authentic self! I have 47 highly-curated micro-selves that I strategically employ after extensively analyzing the scenario. And now I’m coming up blank!”
As of press time, however, Ansel had figured it out and had also apologized to reporters, saying, “Turns out, nice and not rude was the right choice. Thanks!”
