After Chicago resident Beatrice Henry was spotted successfully applying liquid eyeliner while on a moving train, stunned onlookers gathered around and she was officially deemed a national hero.
“Henry has made significant contributions to the growth and development of society,” says Rahm Emanuel, the mayor of Chicago. “She even got the winged tips to match each other, which is a difficult task even for professional makeup artists with full-sized mirrors who are working in a fully lit and unmoving room. All while using only a compact and sheer strength of will.”
“I do my makeup on the train every day,” she says. “This time someone saw me do it. We must all do brave things, even when no one is watching. Like curling our eyelashes while the L train is speeding down the track.”
Despite Henry’s call to action, others are still moved by her act of heroism.
“I was there,” says witness Mollie Vernada. “She had her Naked palette open and she was using the tiny mirror in that to apply shadow to her lids…I’m sorry I’m getting choked up. It’s just, I’ve never seen anything like it.”
“All I’ll say is you know a hero when you see one,” says another onlooker, Brant Gerk. “I don’t know anything about makeup, but I do know that woman had perfect eyebrows and that’s no coincidence. She makes me proud to live in Chicago.”
Still, there are people who don’t see why Henry deserves such a high honor.
“There are people who jump on tracks to save lives,” says another witness who wishes to remain anonymous. “I don’t see how one woman being able to apply mascara on a train helps our world be a better place.”
Upon learning that Henry performed her flawless eye makeup routine in under five minutes, the anonymous witness added a comment.
“Oh shit, nevermind. She should fucking run for office.”
When asked about future plans, Henry appeared motivated.
“I plan to cherish this honor and live up to my role as a national hero,” she said. “I’ll be attempting lip liner tomorrow.”