Local couple Tanya Talbot and her fiancé, Bill, celebrated their marriage this weekend in a beautiful ceremony at sunset, where close friends and family were joined to watch Talbot skillfully dodge any substance that could tarnish her perfectly white dress.
“It was the best day of my life. I didn’t spill anything on my dress!” Talbot smiles. “I hope to one day pass this dress down to my daughter, so then she can get married and also not get a bunch of shit all over it.”
Guests were brought to tears at the couple’s show of true love. They were then asked to wipe their tears away completely before coming within the bride’s touching radius.
“She deserves this day,” says Talbot’s sister and maid of honor. “She looked luminous walking down the aisle, holding up her train and the whole bottom-half of her dress so it didn’t get dirt on it.”
“She really did look stunning,” the officiant confirms. “Her dress was so perfect! I couldn’t stop thinking about how impossible it would be to get stains out of that bad boy.”
At the reception, guests recall Talbot narrowly escaped every server holding food trays, much like a criminal dodging a bunch of laser sensors in a crime thriller film. Though she stumbled through most of her vows, she was graceful as an angel drinking her toast wine hunched over the sink in the back.
“I had the groomsmen hold me in the air above the cake and then push me face-down into it. I can get cake on my face, faces don’t stain.”
At the end of the evening, the lucky lovebirds drove off staring into each other’s eyes, but not touching. “I’m the luckiest girl in the world. I’ve waited my whole life to find someone who respects the fact that I don’t want him to touch me while I’m wearing a $10,000 gown.”
