After years of confusion over why she signs her e-mails with “Cheers,” Debbie Flanders, an office administrator, has been officially diagnosed as “just dehydrated.”
“For years we weren’t sure exactly what was going on,” reports a coworker. “Email after email about new letterhead that closes out with the image of raising a glass to toast? But now we know that she’s just dehydrated, and it makes a lot more sense.”
Other colleagues can confirm that Flanders just isn’t properly hydrated.
“My desk is right by the water cooler. She comes by once in the morning, then maybe once in the afternoon,” says accountant Kim Berezowksy. “But during that second trip she usually says she’s ‘just stretching the old hamstrings’ and doesn’t fill her glass.”
Kim adds: “I’m just really worried about her use of ‘Cheers’ as a legitimate sign-off.”
Regardless of the explanation, some in the office remain frustrated.
“The only thing more dried up than her body is her sentiment,” reports Kirsten Davies from sales. “I bet she’s never made a toast in her whole life, let alone while writing a department-wide e-mail vaguely blaming me for leaving a mess in the microwave. I wasn’t the only one who packed barbecue ribs that day!”
When asked if her sign-off is genuine, Debbie claimed that it has nothing to do with her water consumption.
“I’m not going to end with ‘Yours truly’—that’s creepy. ‘Best’ comes off sarcastic. And ‘Sincerely’ is anything but. At least ‘Cheers’ reflects my convivial personality!” she smiles. “By the way, does anyone have an Advil? My head hurts like the dickens.”
At press time, Debbie had reportedly sipped half a glass of water and sent 56 internal emails signed “Cheers.”