An unexpected story is emerging from Brooklyn, NY, where 25-year-old Harper Green is somehow finding herself even more obsessed with the 2023 version of Troye Sivan than she was with the 2012 version of him.
Poor thing! When will she be released from his gorgeous Australian grip?
Sources confirm that Harper watched Troye’s “One of Your Girls” music video seven consecutive times before realizing she might be even more obsessed with him now than when she was a freshman in high school, which was kind of her peak stan year.
“It’s just so goddamn catchy,” Harper yelled at reporters, because she refused to take her headphones off and stop listening to the song. “I think I might like pop superstar Troye Sivan more than cherubic Youtuber Troye Sivan?”
This comes as a surprise given that Harper considered getting a tattoo of Troye’s face on her literal body when she was 14.
“Luckily, they strictly enforce those age limits at tattoo shops,” she continued. “Or else I’d have no room left to get 2023 Troye Sivan tattooed.”
Sources confirm Harper was such a huge fan of Troye when she was a teen that she cried when he came out as gay, both as a way of mourning her chances with him, and out of joy that he could finally live authentically.
“Every time Troye and Tyler Oakley posted a new video in 2013, I threw up. Like, in a good way,” she said. “But when I heard ‘Rush’ for the first time, I also threw up. And it was an even more positive throw up. Does that make sense?”
Harper maintains that she would not have watched a single minute of the HBO series, The Idol, if Troye were not in it, but because he was, she managed to get through two whole episodes before getting kind of skeeved out by the whole thing.
“In 2012, I was absolutely in love with Troye and 100% wanted to make him my boyfriend,” she continued. “But now? Now, he’s kind of Mother.”
Harper maintains that her new obsession with Troye has even affected her sleep schedule, as she regularly stays up until 3 a.m. trying to learn the choreography to his videos: “I kind of miss when he was just in the YouTube scene, because at least I didn’t have to do as much cardio.”
As of press time, Harper was explaining Troye’s “whole deal” to her parents, which she, coincidentally, also did in 2012.
