In a developing story out of New York City’s very own M train, 24-year-old Kylie O’Malley is wearing shorts today. This confirms that she fears nothing, bows to no one, and is – by and large – someone who should not be trifled with.
“That’s bare leg on bare seat,” said one astonished passerby, hand over her mouth. Witnesses report it’s been years since they’ve seen someone bold enough to sit on the subway in shorts, an experience that is widely regarded as super yucky.
Many patrons entered the train then immediately exited upon seeing the uncomfortable contact of leg skin and subway car.
“Am I happy about this? No,” Kylie told reporters gathered at the scene. “Do I like the fact that my leg is where a rat may have been mere hours – nay, minutes – ago? Do I like that when I stand up, I’m going to have to peel my back thigh from the seat and have a phantom sensation of it for like, five minutes? Absolutely not. But it’s hot as balls, and I don’t have time for any tomfoolery.”
“Normally, if I’m wearing shorts, I try to lean back as far as I can to make sure the fabric is the only thing touching the seat,” said 90-year-old Maria Winters. “But ass? She’s putting ass right on the chair? Oh, she’s bold. She probably has a gun.”
The verdict is out on whether Kylie has a gun because reporters were too intimidated to ask.
Upon being reached for comment, an official at the New York Department of Health said, “She did what?” then threw up. He then asked us not to tell Kylie that he threw up, though, because based on vibes alone, she seems like she holds a lot of power and might pounce on any display of weakness.
“We compiled a list of the most common fears,” said one researcher from the NYU Department of Psychology. “And right after death and public speaking, it’s ‘ass on seat.’ It even ranks higher than ‘snakes’ if you would believe, which is really saying something, given how scary snakes are.”
Upon being reached for comment, God said, “Oh shit yeah, I don’t fuck with her. And I’m literally God.”
At press time, Kylie had left the subway and was reaping the benefits of her hard work: being in shorts for the rest of the day. Sounds nice!
