After running errands in her blue Dodgers baseball cap all day, 28-year-old Tori Welsh was ultimately forced to admit that she knows nothing about the team, players, or sport in general, but she does know an obscene amount about sun damage, if you wanted to hear more about that?
“The Dodgers? Is that a new show on Broadway or something?” Tori asked a Los Angeles-based reporter who was just trying to find a common interest. “Oh, my hat? I wear it because I’m deathly afraid of both getting skin cancer and also aging. Yes, I know that’s counterintuitive.”
Tori said that after being asked about Shohei Ohtani one too many times, she’d had enough and was forced to come clean about why she was wearing a Dodgers hat in the first place.
“Sure, sunscreen is good, but what’s even better is not exposing yourself to the sun in the first place,” she said. “Sorry, what was the question?”
Sources close to Tori said that trying to get to know any of her interests is a real labyrinth of misdirection and deception.
“Tell me how her wearing a Dodgers hat isn’t indicative of her interest in the team, but in her interest in knowing about and preventing sun damage?” Tori’s best friend, Leila, asked reporters. “We’ve gone to so many Dodgers games together! And she always wears the hat!”
Tori responded by saying that she thought they went to those games because Leila was interested in the sport.
“I only went to those games with her because she invited me,” Tori said. “And, obviously, I wore the hat because we were sitting outside in direct sunlight! Though I suppose the full Dodgers tracksuit could be misleading…But, like I said: direct sunlight! I needed to stay covered.”
As of press time, Tori and Leila had developed a better understanding of one another and had decided to start spending their hangouts doing things they both enjoy: avoiding sunlight by sitting inside, while also wearing matching Dodgers tracksuits.
Leila admitted, “They’re just super fucking comfortable.”
