In what has been described as a “faith-shaking” turn of events, Seattle resident Ryan Farrington has recently come to the realization that she’s in the awkward 47-year period of life where she’s still too young to write a memoir, and yet too old to play Webkinz.
The 27-year-old says she’s absolutely stumped about how to spend her current time.
“No one ever tells you about the period of torment you’ll experience from ages 12 to 59 where it’s no longer acceptable to log onto your five Webkinz accounts and spin the Wheel of Wow, but you haven’t yet lived enough life to warrant writing your memoir. What am I supposed to do?”
When reporters suggested she consider actually living the life she’s so keen on writing a memoir about, Ryan was visibly confused.
“My memoir will naturally flow out of me when I hit age 59,” she said. “I don’t need to ‘live my life’ in order for that to happen. Besides, the only life I care about living is the life of my Webkinz frog, Butter Knife. He has a way nicer house than me.”
However, in spite of her initial hesitation to get out there and experience everything that life has to offer, Ryan has started making an effort to pass the time until she can finally write her memoir.
“I’ve been keeping busy,” said Ryan, who was obviously putting on a brave face for reporters. “Eating, sleeping, showering, breathing, things like that.”
When reporters told Ryan that those things were just basic life tasks, and didn’t really count as “living” her life, this sent her into a full-blown panic.
“I’m not even 30 yet!” she said. “How am I going to get through another two decades of this?”
Fortunately, sources close to Ryan had some words of advice.
“The transition from playing Webkinz to not playing Webkinz can be brutal,” Ryan’s 35-year-old sister, Beth, told reporters. “It took me until I was 30 to find a suitable replacement: starting to actually care about my career and begin climbing the corporate ladder. That, and getting unhealthily invested in my friends’ love lives.”
As of press time, Ryan had seriously considered taking her sister’s advice. Fortunately, she was involved in a once-in-a-lifetime accident where she skied into a tree while trying to recreate the Polar Plunge Webkinz arcade game, died, saw God, then ultimately came back to life – which all warranted an earlier start to writing her memoir.
“I’ll give you a sneak preview,” she told reporters, from the hospital room where she was still recovering. “Chapter One: Me and Butter Knife Go to the Curio Shop.”
