In a story of triumph and glory emerging from Phoenix, AZ, 32-year-old Raina Heinman has, at long last, gotten sweet, sweet revenge on her high school bullies by becoming associate account manager at her insurance firm’s local branch.
Take that, idiots! Bet you’re sorry now!
“I was ruthlessly bullied in high school, and my tormentors always said I’d make nothing of myself,” Raina told reporters with a satisfied smirk on her face. “Little did they know that 18 short years later, that little girl would be promoted from assistant account manager of her insurance firm’s local branch to associate account manager of her insurance firm’s local branch. Karma’s a bitch, huh?”
Uh, sure! Sort of!
Sources confirm that Raina’s only motivation these past few years has been to “prove those fuckers wrong,” which she has regularly said out loud at company-sponsored events. Now that she’s been promoted at last, she’s sure they’re all eating their words.
“I can’t wait until one of them stalks me on LinkedIn, only to see that I’m doing amazing,” Raina continued, assuming that her bullies check up on her or even remember her name at all, which they don’t. “Bet they wish they were nicer to me now that you could reasonably estimate that I make somewhere from $110,000 to $130,000 a year. Who’s the ‘fugly cunt’ now, huh? YOU, Sarah McGovern! It’s you!”
Reporters reached out to Sarah for comment, but she was unable to provide one, as she was too busy jet-setting to Melbourne with her husband, rock superstar Rod Stewart, and promoting her new multi-million-dollar line of scented candles.
“It just feels so good to rub it in my bullies’ faces,” Raina continued, even after reporters tried to tell her that it appeared none of her bullies cared. “It’s so clear that they peaked in high school and I’m the one who’s gone on to do bigger and better things, like managing some accounts with little oversight from my boss.”
When asked if seeking revenge like this has finally brought her peace, Raina didn’t even wait until the end of the question to say, “Yes. 100% yes.”
As of press time, Raina had learned that another one of her bullies is actually a full account manager at another branch of the insurance company, and this brought her immeasurable pain.
