In a report emerging from bar in Brooklyn, NY, 24-year-old Kiana Wilson has been drinking from a mason jar, which means she is about to unintentionally join in this year’s wet t-shirt contest.
“Our wet t-shirt contests are extremely competitive,” said loyal patron Andi Herbert. “People really go all out, splashing like crazy. When I saw Kiana drinking from that mason jar, like, really just throwing the water around, I knew this year was going to be no different.”
The especially hot day meant Kiana was wholeheartedly chugging from the receptacle, and sources confirmed that as she lifted it, most of the water immediately fell past the jar’s lip and onto her shirt.
“Why is everyone asking if I’m going to be in the wet t-shirt contest later?” Kiana asked reporters gathered at the scene, wringing out her shirt. “I haven’t signed up. And sure, my shirt is a little wet, but it’s not anything crazy.”
Scientists at the scene confirmed that only about 15% of the contents of the mason jar made it to Kiana’s mouth, while the other 85% was equally divided between her shirt, the ground, and the person standing behind her.
“What the fuck,” said that person, Harrison Lee. “Does this mean I’m in the contest now, too?”
“Mason jars were never meant for mouth-to-mouth consumption like this,” said renowned receptacle historian Baron Jacobs. “They were invented to ferment and to contain. It is against God’s wishes for mason jars to be used as water glasses, and we are rightfully incurring His wrath.”
Reporters decided not to contend the gender of God in this instance, because the rest of what Baron said was just so true.
After taking a singular hefty drink from her mason jar, Kiana not only entered the wet t-shirt contest, but won.
“It was just a hands down victory,” said one of the judges. “No hose could compete with the amount of water that was spilling out of the jar. The other contestants didn’t stand a chance.”
“I’ve been the wet t-shirt champion of the tri-state area for nine straight years, and frankly, I’m appalled by what’s happened here,” said competitor Hannah Wilkinson. “How am I supposed to get nearly as soaked? If I had known using a mason jar was allowed, of course I would have opted for one instead of the sprinkler I brought from home.”
Upon being handed the trophy, Kiana appeared extremely confused. She vowed to use the $50 prize to start a free lunch program for kids in public schools, but if that’s too expensive, she’ll buy one or two more mason jars.
