In a tale of impressive detective work out of Brooklyn, NY, 29-year-old Pria Burns is in the midst of a desperate search to find some evidence – any evidence – that her younger, more successful coworker is a nepotism baby.
The coworker in question, Kacey Farmington, has been described as “absolutely exceptional at her job, in a way that entirely supersedes any industry connections she may or may not have had.”
Reports also suggest that she has been nothing but nice to Pria.
“Apparently her dad is a pretty successful auto dealer in Western Michigan,” Burns told reporters. “That kind of makes her a nepo baby, right? I mean, those connections!”
Sources confirm that her dad actually is a semi-successful auto dealer in Western Michigan, but that they don’t think that technically makes her a “nepo baby” considering she works in publishing in lower Manhattan.
“Forget the whole dad thing,” said a manic Pria, not even 30 seconds later. “Check this out: Her mom is a middle school teacher! Think about all the ties to higher education she probably has at her fingertips. And that’s not even the worst of it! She’s a middle school teacher at the middle school that Kacey went to.”
Sources were torn about whether having your mom as a middle school would be an advantage or a disadvantage – most actually thought it would open you up to bullying – but they were all in agreement that being a middle school teacher does not, in fact, come with significant “ties to higher education.”
When asked about her college experience, Kacey said she actually went to her local community college for two years to save money, before transferring to a nearby four-year university and that her mom “had absolutely nothing to do with it, aside from her unwavering support of my choices and late nights spent helping me study for my AP tests. Wait, who’s asking?”
Pria, of course, pounced on this.
“Unwavering support? Are you kidding me?” shouted Pria with a fanatical glint in her eye that was starting to scare reporters. “Whose parents offer them unwavering support and not incredible, cruel pressure to meet their expectations? That should be considered nepotism in and of itself!”
At press time, Kacey had politely requested that Pria stop digging into her personal life, which Pria immediately took as admission of guilt, re-doubled her search efforts, and emerged proudly with the discovery that Pria’s aunt owns a quaint little bakery in Kansas.
“Think about all the free scones! I’ve never had a free scone in my entire life! That’s why she’s better at her job than me. That has to be why.”
