28-year-old Chicago resident Greer Keane recently came to the realization that not only has she been squandering her 20s, but she has, in fact, been squandering them all wrong.
“Other people ‘squander’ their 20s by partying too much, pursuing the wrong career, or dating the wrong person,” Greer told reporters. “I’m just kind of sitting around my apartment. Obviously, I’m not making the most of my 20s, but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m not squandering them right either. Shouldn’t I be, like, doing something?”
Reporters weren’t sure how to answer this question as they had all squandered their 20s building successful yet unfulfilling reporting careers.
“I’m not under the impression that I’m going to take advantage of my 20s in any meaningful way,” Greer continued. “That’s just not really something I see myself doing. But I at least thought I’d waste these years in a way that would allow me to look back when I’m older and give advice like, ‘Your twenties are for making mistakes!’ At the rate I’m going, all I’ll be able to say is, ‘Your twenties are for decaying alone in your apartment!’ That’s not what they’re for, right?”
Again, reporters were stumped, as all they’ve ever known is reporting.
Sources close to Greer hoped to ease her fears with a little advice of their own.
“I wish she’d stop worrying so much!” said Greer’s mom, Theresa. “When I was her age, I was so lost. I was couch-hopping through Belgium, meeting new and interesting people, and really integrating myself into the country’s music and art scenes…Hmm, actually, maybe she should be worried.”
Greer’s therapist, Dr. Leeds, expressed similar sentiments.
“I usually tell my clients there’s no wrong way to live your life, and that your 20s are for discovering yourself,” she said. “However, I don’t think you can discover yourself if you’re half-watching CSI: Miami during all your waking hours.”
“It makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something,” Greer admitted to reporters, who could barely hear her over “Won’t Get Fooled Again” playing in the background.
After turning down the volume on her TV, Greer continued, saying, “If I’m not going to be a ‘30 Under 30’ type of 30-year-old, then I at least want to leave my 20s with a story or two.”
Now this, reporters did know a little something about, and they delicately asked Greer if she had any interest in reporting. She responded that she “absolutely did not” but would be “willing to give it a shot.”
As of press time, Greer had a burgeoning reporting career she knew she’d come to regret and a renewed interest in throwing away her twenties, saying, “Now I know I’m doing my 20s wrong right.”
