Jersey City resident Danica Fielder made a disturbing discovery Tuesday when she tried to picture ex-boyfriend, Mike Drake’s dick and realized she was unable to do so. “Totally out of nowhere, I have no memory of his penis whatsoever,” says Felder from her living room. “Like, is this brain cancer or something?”
For two hours after realizing her dick-tionary was missing an entry, she tried to conjure up a memory of Mike’s erect penis, but in the end she admitted that she couldn’t even remember what shade of pink it was, or if it was pink at all. “Was it brown? Was it red? He was pretty tan, so it could go either way.”
This discovery wouldn’t have been so alarming if Fielder and Mike hadn’t dated for more than two years and even talked marriage at one point. “It was an important dick in my life,” she says. “I should remember it.”
During their courtship, Fielder saw Mike’s dick both erect and non-erect thousands of times, and put it “literally everywhere [she] could fit it.” Fielder has total recall of a penis she encountered seven years ago during a one-night stand in Amsterdam, and yet Mike’s is a mystery. “The Amsterdick was 8 ¼ inches long, curved up and to the left, and had a café-au-lait colored birthmark the shape of France halfway down the shaft,” says Fielder. “But Mike’s? Nothing. It’s like he didn’t even have one.”
To jostle her memory, Fielder searched her archives for a photographic evidence of Mike’s dick, but her search proved fruitless. “I was pretty sure he’d sent me a dick pic at one point, so I searched my Gmail for ‘hot stuff,’ ‘thinkin of u,’ ‘this will make you cum,’ but it was no use,” she told her friend Sarah Highball. “I found 14 other dicks, but not Mike’s. Maybe he never sent me one? That doesn’t sound likely. I mean, he bought a ring, you know?”
After turning up empty with her search, Fielder flipped through hundreds of pictures of weird dicks on Reddit, hoping to find one that would bring back her memory of Mike’s. “I know Mike’s dick had something odd about it, so I thought that might help, but what was it?” None of the pointy, nubby, sloppy dicks she saw on Reddit sparked any memories. “I think it was something that was cute when I liked him, but isn’t now that I don’t, like an overly large mushroom tip maybe?” she says. “Dang! I wish I could remember!”
All of this has led her to only one firm conclusion: Fielder is finally over Mike. “I once thought he was the love of my life,” she sighs. “I guess the old saying is right, ‘Out of sight, out of dick.’”
