In a story of deserved retribution emerging from the gates of heaven, 45-year-old Leanne Marx is being turned away from the blessed afterlife for taking a work call in a coffee shop.
“Well, we all know how this whole thing started: freak roofing accident,” she told reporters from the clouds above Nepal, where all souls are sent before judgment. “Next thing I know, I wake up at the pearly gates only for God to tell me I’m ‘on probation for the coffee shop thing.’ What gives?”
Sources confirm Leanne made not one but 75 separate work calls from a variety of coffee shops over the course of her life, an offense which has rightfully prohibited her from ascending.
“I did such great work in my life,” she pleaded. “I tried my best to be kind, started numerous charities, and always cared for my family and friends. Now, I’m being rejected from heaven just ‘cause I took a work call from a quiet coffee shop a few times?”
Representatives of the Lord say: yes.
“Taking a work call at full volume in a coffee shop is pretty rude,” God told reporters. “And taking a work call at full volume in a coffee shop where you also didn’t tip? Now that’s grounds for expulsion from any land over which I preside.”
According to people in Leanne’s life, she would often enter a coffee shop, order the cheapest thing from the menu, take an hour-long work call without headphones, take an hour-long personal call after that, and refuse to leave for about five straight hours.
“You’re telling me that’s a good person?” said one of heaven’s residents, Paolo Ruiz. “If someone took a work call in one of heaven’s coffee shops, uh, honey, we’d both be going to hell when I’m done with them.” Ruiz then laughed heartily, took a drag on a joint that would simply never canoe, and floated towards the annual Heavenly U.S. Open, where everyone has front-row seats.
As an aside, reporters managed to confirm that there are coffee shops in heaven – a major scientific breakthrough – and that the espresso machines in said coffee shops never break down or make a bad pull.
As of press time, Leanne had made her way down to hell, where she will be relegated to a coffee shop herself, and forced to listen to a recording of herself loudly taking a work call for eternity.
“Ooooh,” she said. “Yeah, I totally get why this is annoying now.”
