In a developing story out of Seattle, WA, 32-year-old Meredith Waterson has somehow stumbled her way into stable, long-term happiness despite spending her entire life in pursuit of instant gratification.
“Everyone kept telling me that if I kept choosing instant gratification instead of holding out for something that would provide more enduring satisfaction, I’d end up unfulfilled and unhappy in the long-run,” Meredith told reporters. “I guess they didn’t account for the fact that I’d choose instant gratification so consistently that it actually would translate to long-term satisfaction.”
When reporters asked for an example of this working out in her favor, Meredith was more than willing to explain.
“Yesterday, I put off a pressing work project in order to grab a coffee and chat with my friends for a few hours,” Meredith said. “Usually that would mean I would have to work twice as hard later to get the project done, but only if I’m not willing to quit my job to keep the fun going longer, which I absolutely am.”
In this way, Meredith says she has been avoiding experiencing consequences for constantly chasing dopamine.
“Turns out, you don’t need to sacrifice anything in order to feel good all the time,” she said. “You just need to choose the quickest, easiest source of pleasure at any given opportunity. I think that’s the meaning of life, actually.”
Sources close to Meredith say the way she lives her life is baffling, but is somehow working for her, against all odds.
“It’s like she’s discovered the secret to life or something,” said Meredith’s roommate, Deijah. “Literally no one else lives this way.”
However, Meredith couldn’t understand why she was the only one doing this.
“People always talk about instant gratification like it’s a bad thing and I don’t understand why,” she said. “You get satisfaction. Instantly. What’s the downside?”
According to sources, there are usually, like, a ton of downsides.
“It’s like the phrase ‘you’re playing with fire’ except the fire never burns her and kind of just keeps her always feeling warm and good,” Deijah added. “Like, she’ll choose staying up late watching videos on her phone over getting a good night’s sleep, but then instead of being so tired in the morning, she’ll just call out from work. Then instead of her boss getting mad at her, they’ll tell her to take the next day off, too, to take care of her mental health. It’s unbelievable.”
As of press time, Meredith had decided she wanted to grab ice cream instead of give reporters a statement, which everyone completely respected and thought was a better use of her time, and ultimately was the determining factor in this article being written to depict her in a favorable light.
