Why Moral Panic About the Sanctity of Strangers’ Marriage Is Actually Feminist

With the recent news of ‘Try Guy’ Ned Fulmer having an extramarital affair compounding with the absolute chaos of Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine sending thirsty DMs to women who were not his legally betrothed, our society appears to be in complete crisis. HUSBANDS and cheating on their WIVES. People who took vows before God to only do sex with each other are getting all horned up by absolute harlots, and personally I am freaking the fuck out. Here’s why that’s actually feminist:


A lot of mentally ill misogynists will say things like “two adult strangers’ relationship is none of your business, or “please remember that celebrities are real people who you categorically do not know,” or “have you had any water today?” Well sorry, but it’s 2022 and you can’t just call me hysterical and send me to the funny farm because I dare to voice over and over again that men who commit infidelity are morally bankrupt and causing harm akin to sexual violence and assault.


I am so thankful, for instance, to the brave women who have come forward with their accusations against the criminal pervert Adam Levine who typed things like, “Fuuuck” because his sick and wicked heart was so full of lust. I assume any women who consensually flirted with this animal is deeply traumatized because it was so filthy dirty and also women don’t experience sexual desire? I’m not totally sure, I haven’t finished this Andrea Dworkin yet.


We live in a fractured world, but I think we call at least agree that marriage is a fundamentally feminist institution that needs to be protected at all costs, and that if someone breaks their vows, we as a society are all responsible to talk about it so, so, so much. Like in a way that ensures the person who was cheated on, their family, and any kids they may share with their philandering partner cannot avoid hearing about it.



This is the work!!


If sexual monogamy is under attack, we are all under attack. I mean, perhaps there are also other ways that people in relationships may cause harm to one another, and perhaps there are harm reduction tactics that don’t involve public shaming and moral panic—ON OPPOSITE DAY!


So get out there and freak the fuck out about how we must preserve the sanctity of marriage at all costs while never examining actually anything at all. If you don’t, you’re not a feminist!