Growing up, I’d heard over and over that it was impossible to have it all: the perfect partner, a fulfilling career, a loving family, and personal satisfaction. As I’ve reached adulthood, however, it’s become increasingly clear that it is possible to “have it all” by these standards, and frankly, I’m pissed. If you’re going to have it all like that, the least you can do is give a little bit to me. Here’s why I think it’s time we start taxing women who have it all.
I should clarify that the taxes do not have to be monetary, but they’ve got to be fucking taxes. These women can’t keep getting away with having hot, sexy husbands who seem a little bit gay and fulfilling careers in the creative arts – I demand recompense.
Firstly, women who have it all don’t have to spend all their time thinking about how their lives are falling apart. That is a luxury I simply cannot afford. As a result, I propose that every time I’m freaking out about how my situationship seems to only want me for my body – not my niche but correct opinions on the Divergent franchise – a woman who has it all should have to take over a little bit of my job. Not, like, inch me out by doing really well at it or anything, but take a shift at least.
Give me an hour to cry in the bathroom! You have it all, goddamnit. Is that too much to ask?
And while we’re here, actually yeah, I do also want it to be monetary. If I have to hear about how someone is fulfilled in all areas of their life – romantic, financial, and spiritual – then I should be able to Venmo request them for lunch. Or get a stipend of some sort. Emotional labor is labor, and yes, I consider it emotional labor to have to keep smiling as I hear about your planned trip to Mykonos with the kids you’re “gentle parenting” to ensure the cycle of generational trauma ends with you.
That should be me, you grateful, hardworking, turd! Kiss me! I mean, uh, buy me Sweet Green!
So, if you’ve got it all, the least you could do is give back (to me) by paying taxes (to me). While we’re at it, let’s also start taxing men who are clearly dating up. They’ve taken from this country for long enough, I say.
