Since my first relationship over ten years ago, I’ve seamlessly transitioned from one boyfriend to another. My close friends worried about my codependent tendencies and alarming serial monogamy, but since my last breakup I’ve refused to get together with anyone new, and I finally see how much effort I’ve wasted trying to find literally anyone to love. I’m free at last, and I’m ready to spend my time digging a really deep hole in my backyard instead.
All this time, I could’ve been burrowing underground like a gopher instead of seeking validation through relationships. What a joy this was to finally figure out!
Now that I have this pretty decent-sized hole, I can’t believe I ever gave two entire years of my life to an unemployed guy named Dan who didn’t deserve me, just because I didn’t know how to be alone. When people told me to focus on myself instead of trying to fix him, I wouldn’t listen. But now I see the truth in what they’ve been telling me all along, and it feels amazing to finally turn that desire to bond with someone into a desire to dig the deepest hole ever. Seriously, this thing is probably five by five feet deep now.
I never thought I’d be able to create something like this on my own, but it turns out I can actually do a lot with a shovel and pair of gloves. I’ve only been single for a week, and I’ve already caused all my neighbors to lose FiOS!
Seeing what I can accomplish in terms of hole digging, I feel so silly now for pursuing relationship after relationship when the only thing I should’ve been pursuing is knowledge, and everything else that goes into digging this hole. Specifically, how deep one person can dig a hole before it becomes a federal offense. Is it 30 feet? 100? Maybe the myth is true after all, and if you dig a hole deep enough you’ll really end up in China.
There are just no limits when you have no one to answer to but yourself!
I’m not judging anyone who’s currently in a relationship, but I certainly don’t miss having one myself. My best friend’s boyfriend just made her a Build-a-Bear with her face on it, which is both sweet and sort of weird, but I don’t feel an ounce of jealousy because I have something even better: a big old pile of dirt and an even bigger hole in my backyard that’s jutting onto my neighbor’s property slightly, but that I can point at and say, “I did that.”
How’s that for being an independent woman?
While my family might feel concerned by my newly single status, I just don’t care. I’m a much happier person digging a hole by myself, and I believe that someday I will be arrested for it. But until that day comes, you can catch me outside in my yard, alone, with the floodlights on and all my neighbors watching.
