Why I’m Preemptively Arranging 4 Funerals for Myself So My Friend Groups Don’t Mix

Our lives would be nothing without our memories and people that we love, but sometimes these people and group social dynamics simply don’t work together. That’s why I’m preemptively arranging four different funerals for myself so my friend groups don’t mix while mourning my (potentially untimely) death.


There are so many people in my life that have helped me grow into the woman I am today. But while I’ve met some of them doing local theater, like my friend Gina, others I know through business school, like my friend Karl, and these two simply can’t be at the same event, or else they’ll make each other and everyone around them severely unhappy.


Some of my friends have also only seen certain sides of myself. I can’t have my friend Tamera talking about how I used to run an Instagram meme account with my whole extended family in the room. That would be so embarrassing! Obviously the only way around this is to make sure everyone pays their respects on their respective days: Family Funeral, Work Funeral, Personal Hobbies Funeral, and Drunk Funeral.


If I didn’t, who knows what would happen!


Some might say that it’s overkill to plan out four different funerals for four different friend groups. Throughout the planning for my funerals, I’ve been met with countless funeral directors who have kept asking me, “Are you sure all of your loved ones can’t just get along for one day to celebrate your life?” In my case, absolutely not. It makes me uncomfortable to even picture it, and not because of the fact it will mean I’m dead. That’s, like, whatever.



I also wouldn’t want anyone being hindered by the other attendees if they want to talk about some inside joke between us or an anecdote that might offend other people, like that time that me and Jules skipped class in college to go to a Doja Cat concert. Maya would be furious if she found out we did that without her, and so she’ll be invited to a different funeral that week, possibly a fifth one just for her because she doesn’t fit that well into the main categories. No big deal!


No one should feel left out, and no one will be when they’re attending one of my four consecutive funerals. I will also be dug up and buried four times, just to make sure that no one feels like they’re missing out on anything. It’s only the right thing to do!