Why I Will be the First Congressperson to Carry My Packer Inside the Capitol Building

A recent declaration from a GOP congresswoman stating her intent to carry her glock around DC and in Congress has spurred criticism and mockery from some, but personally, I found this aggressive cry for attention inspiring. Though I am not currently a congressperson, campaigning to be a congressperson, or a layperson with political ambitions, as soon as I saw her short video where she spoke about being short and addicted to guns, a new goal crystallized in my mind’s eye: I will be the first congressperson to carry my packer inside the Capitol Building.


Of course, carrying a soft packer and carrying a loaded gun are not exactly the same. While neither are polite to hold in your hand while you walk down the street, only one is used to kill people and inarguably unnecessary to have at work. But all the same, as a five-foot-tall, 100-pound congressperson, I’ll want to have my dick on me to feel my best self, and it seems Congresswoman Boebert feels the same, only in the most toxic way imaginable.



As I mentioned, I have no interest in politics professionally, but if being elected to Congress means I can write, produce, and star in a two-minute video about carrying my packer in the Capitol Building, then actually, I am very interested in that.


I do think the congresswoman and I are basically on the same page in terms of just wanting to make in-your-face videos that radiate the energy of a bullied kid whose parents tell them self-confidence is the best defense, but then it turns out they’re not really being bullied, it’s just that nobody likes them because they suck, so now they’re doing the bad thing with like, a weird, proud victim complex? Using a packer in Congress is not bad, but I will talk about it so much that all my fellow congresspeople feel tired when they look at me as I’m sure Boebert’s do now.


In conclusion, I will be the first congressperson to carry my packer inside the Capitol Building, and I hope Congresswoman My-Personality-Is-Guns and I both get reality television deals for our efforts. That is the point of all this, right?