For centuries, the concept of the ideal woman has been associated with subservience and docility. From the workplace to the domestic sphere, women are encouraged to be conscious of the space they take up and the way they regulate their emotions. Women are so accustomed to putting men or children before themselves that the notion of centering their own feelings can seem inconceivable. Thus, in order to set an example for women everywhere, I have stopped wasting my time trying desperately to please others and started eating every meal off the blade of a knife.
The first time I ate a whole meal off a knife, it was out of necessity. I forgot the rest of my utensils at home and so I had to eat my salad with only a knife during a marketing meeting with my department team. While licking my knife clean with loud slurping noises, I noticed that my colleagues were suddenly giving me more attention than they had given me cumulatively over the past ten years. What was causing this to happen?
Then I had a revelation: I don’t want to appease people, I want people to be afraid of me!
After that electric moment, I realized that feminism wasn’t about equality between the genders, it was about justifying self-centered and kind of intimidating behavior. Slowly, I began eating every meal off the blade of big sharp knife. I began with classic meals that require a knife, like steak, or waffles. Then, I worked my way up to meals that pretty much no one eats with a knife, like soup.
Using my eating-off-knife practice, I was able to assert dominance not just at work but at home. My husband even told me he was scared of me, which I see as a total win for the women’s rights movement. I believe it was Gloria Steinem who said, “We will know that we have achieved liberation for all women when husbands around the world are afraid for their lives.” If you believe women, you will believe me when I say that quote is not fake.
Therefore, I encourage every woman who is tired of being invisible to go to your local knife store and purchase a knife for eating. I recommend a cartoonish dagger or the largest cleaver you can possibly find. For maximum shock value, you can try leaving it out in the rain so that it accumulates thick rust. This will help you turn heads and work your way to the top of your field. And if you contract tetanus? Just blame the patriarchy!
