It started like any other Thursday in the life of a people-pleaser: I arrived at work early so my boss wouldn’t be mad but late enough that my coworkers wouldn’t think I was trying too hard. I brewed enough coffee for the office and replied to automated texts (so the robots wouldn’t feel bad), but everything changed when I rounded the corner and saw it: the Big Spanking Spoon. I decided it was finally time to stop constantly being the people-pleaser and start carrying around the Spoon.
Turns out it’s impossible to please everyone, but super possible to scare everyone by carrying around an oversized spoon clearly used for spanking!
Juggling other people’s expectations had started to weigh on me. Once, a friend asked me to come to their improv show and another asked me to watch their interpretive dance recital (“A Letter to George Bush”) at the same time. I was left thinking, “Okay, who should I prioritize?” and “Why are my friends like this?”
With the Big Spanking Spoon, though, I don’t have to worry about which person to listen to! There is no saving anyone from the Spoon.
The Big Spanking Spoon is the great equalizer, in that it is equally off-putting to everyone. Why worry about how to please everyone when I could strike fear deep into their hearts instead? I’m finally okay with having someone be angry with me! Turns out most people are not okay with being Spoon Spanked, and will be on their best behavior to avoid it.
Next stop: Spoon city, population uno, baby! And that uno is moi.
I used to get home from days of people pleasing extremely drained, but now that I’ve started carrying around the Big Spanking Spoon, I arrive home rejuvenated and excited for another day of Spoon! Everyone in my life is begging me to “Dear God, stop with the spoon thing,” but I can’t hear them over the sound of my personal growth.
It feels like just yesterday I was speaking with my therapist about my incessant need to be loved, but now all I talk about is Spoon Spoon Spoon! People pleasing instincts be gone, and Big Spanking Spoon instincts, welcome. I finally have agency over my life, and the Spoon has a bad reputation around town.
So if you suffer from people pleasing, maybe the Spoon is right for you! And if you don’t suffer from people pleasing, how does it feel to be God’s favorite?
